Hurt

Initiate: ignore mode
Abandon all hope...
Delete all memories...
Compress all emotions...
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Heartless phase ready.
Ignoring all outside influence
Initiating dream chaser mode...
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Soul and mind ready
Compressing all pain and emotions
Face composition applied
Compressed all emotions
Artificial gestures installed
All normal human traits installed
Installing warlord persona..
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installing Warlord persona....30%

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PERSONAL MESSAGE TO FUTURE SELF:

Hello my future self.salam. i hope that the we in today is not going to get worse in.the future.

I hope that this biggest leap of faith of our life is going to lead us towards our better self.let us make this program a success.

in the future,if you are reading this again,remember. We chose this path because we do not want to waste our time doing useless things. Becoming slave with little self worth.

My future self, if you got the chance to read this again,remember. Humanly love is useless.only love our god. Only then will you achieve true love. From creatures and god alike.
Goodbye.
Assalamualaikum :-)

MESSAGE END..

installing Warlord persona....50%
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Change of heart?

I think this blog is becoming more and more of a diary,but with public contents.

I dont know what will happen to these contents later.who will read them,how much will it worth. What changes will it bring to my life,or other's still it felt good to have a place to pour all these feelings away.heheh

That feels good inside

Disclaimer note:this is not pedophilia post,and i do not condone such behavior.

Last night me and my friends went on an outing.later i spent the night at their home.

Woke up in the morning, read some comics laying around in the room.

Later a sister of them came into the room. She's still young,around 8 years old.She wants to read some comics as well.

She laid on the bed besides me.after felt tired of reading those comics,i snuggled her.have her lay her head on my arms,and we both continued reading. Suddenly a gush of temptation came and i just hugged her tighter.

It felt really nice and cosy and warm. I just thought to myself, it sure is nice if i have a wife right now.we could spend our holiday morning like this first before leaving the bed.

But still,haaahh..it was such a nice feeling. I really hope that i will find a wife who will love me more than i love her. Who will prioritize me more than anything or anybody else.amin

i need help overcoming paranoia

I need help overcoming my jealousy and paranoia

Each step that somebody i love took,I will definitely have heavy jealousy blooming inside my heart. I always thought that she will definitely fall for somebody else.I always thought that if she was with another guy,even some random colleague,it will always be she was 'with' 'somebody else'.. hahah..damn jealousy..always got me into heavy heartache..i hate that feeling..

I also have this paranoia that when people are talking behind my back,they are talking about me.about my bad things..I hate that part of me as well.I always have to keep cheating my brain to think that what they are talking is about something else.It makes me feel like I'm hated by everybody else.That sort of feelings is not good for your health you know.

I wish that I can overcome those feelings.

I want a wife like her!

I was surfing the web randomly and found this really good anime called I cant understand what my husband is saying

The wife is really good one..she is understanding.playful.very good mannered..and most of all, she loves her husband the most! even when she's drunk..

I wish.I really wish that my wife will be like her.

Of course in the beginning she has her flaws.She drinks like crazy.and she also smoked.but she finally got rid of all that for her family..very lovable trait in my opinion.. I wish I have a wife like her..owh and she also doesn't know how to cook..but she did go through the trouble to learn how to cook. aaah..if only there is a woman like that for me..huhuu

I Hate Being Poor

Damn, I hate being poor.
these last days I have been thinking.It's actually a good thing that I didn't get married in the first place. Looking back I have been spending needlessly on women. Telco credits to call them. Needless gifts. If I was married: food,shelter,transport all will fall on my shoulder. Entertainments.to take her on outings,some shoppings. I still have to give money to my parents as well. I also have to give my wife her needs and anything. I don't want to live poor anymore. I am going to be a King! hahah.. in my dreams

I have superpower???

I knew it.. every time i'm all tensed up i will generate a flux that will temper with electronics stuff. hahaha

Before this,I used to wear watch on my wrists..but in some mornings the time will skip a few hours. Example when it's 7,the watch will usually show 5 or 6.. at first i thought it was weak battery so i will usually buy a new one because its quite cheap compared to changing battery.. As things keep on happening i opted to digital watches. same thing still happens..there were cases that the display will totally went bust.

I also produce intense body heat. At some point i will cause my cellphone battery to heat up.. and now,when im in a tensed up condition,my cellphone totally lost connection..cant make calls,cant send sms..hahah..
wonder how can i really harness this power.. Imagine,blowing stuffs with my mind..hohohoh

story draft

I lost my girlfriend again
-had 1 month long relationship
-know as co worker
-shes a practical student
-tell her that i want to know her more
-she told me she also been looking at me from far away.wanting to say hi but so scared.
-been happy together.
-but i was so overly jealous.jealous with her for having other male friends.jealous with her EXs,jealous for not being able to be no.1 in her heart.
-so we have a break up..after 1 month.heheh..
-
*****
main scene:
doing work outside..saw her walk pass by..wind was blowing on us..tried to say hi,she saw me but walked straight by..never have anything happen again afterwards..

i moved to oversea,but she was lost in the passing years.no idea what she is doing right now..
can only dream of her in my sleep.

Let me live in my head

last night I had a dream,I'm writing this down because it was so beautiful that i don't want to forget them. :)

I was already married.to a vietnamese girl (i wonder how i found her.I mean come on, Vietnamese . such a long way from home)
we also have a baby girl..still new,about 4,5 month old.

It all begin by waking up in the morning.giving her a morning kiss and she gave me her's.Have some small sensual talk.cant remember what.
afterwards we went to an opening ceremony, my father finally have his own restaurant.He've been wanting to have a noodle restaurant of his own for so long.

later on we went for a stroll.with the baby girl in my arm,and she was walking in front of me. We found some housing areas,
suddenly she gave out an excitement shriek because she found some durian trees planted by the house owners. "wow,so many durians! look at all those durian skins."

and i said to her "what,dont be a fool.you get all excited just by looking at those duiran skins?there are not even any left on the trees."

but that was funny.just looking at her being all excited just by some durian skins.sort of cute though.

through out the dream i can really feel the feeling of love pouring out of me.seeming like an aura that is overflowing from my body.What a really nice sensation back then.A feeling that i have not felt for so long.

when i realise it, i was awake.but i still feel very reluctant to open my eyes this morning.I said to myself,I dont want to wake up.Let me live here.Let me live in this dream.

even until now i still feel that way though.Although i never knew who that viet chick anyway.. T_T

somebody love me

Late at night.way past my bed time..
really wish someone will give me a goodnight kiss.
and wish me"good night honey,you're the best.I love you always.more than you love me"
why?
because I'm a lonely guy.
hoping to have some love in the days left before i die.
:)

alone again.

ahh..what a sorrowful feeling. I am alone again
the new friend that i made at workplace is gone,he went to continue his study.so here i am,alone.doing work with the crowds but i have none to speak to.

last month i broke up with that woman. we've been engaged for about 2/3 years..but known each other for 5.
i took a week off from work.tried to be sad..thought that i could shed a few tears.but nah, I only felt a slight loss. also during the 1 week off,my internet was down.so i have all the time in the world to travel into my mind. void of any disturbance or temptations. to go online and such.
really helpful. although i still have a few distraction,thinking about the never ending jobs at work.

Despite all that,being the "emotionless guy" branded at school and college, i really do feel nothing.my face was all blank.no tears,no hate,nor smile.
I do feel what a waste,feel insecured that i might not get somebody much better than her in the future.
thinking that this is god's way of taking us apart.
because i am no longer as good as her.
she is struggling to move on her rank of deeds.her amount of rewards from Allah,
while here i am,still stuck in the same amount of deed,same amount of rewards,in fact i am going down the ranks.
because there are some that i have left..making me gaining a lot more sins everyday..that's why..

Allah is taking us apart..
"good man for good woman and bad man for bad woman."
I still hope that i am going to get someone better than her though.
remembered watching Chennai Express and wishing in my heart.
O god, i want a wife as good as here please god please..
someone who will love me more than i love her, and will make me feel eased at heart.whose beauty will make me be at peace,who's intelligent,hardworking and cute at the same time.
amin.

HAHAHA..what a big appetite for someone without emotions huh.. :D

MAN UP,MAN!

today is really a normal day like every other.
i went to work,and now i am home again.

having slept the entire evening off, i woke up feeling quite calm and eased.
sat down and take a look at my family faces.
saw my mom..my brothers..my sisters..

then it occurred to me.
if my father is dead,it is up to me to raise them. Being the eldest son in the family.

truthfully,i have spent so many time chasing love.
Boasting what a family man that i will be.. when i cant even be there for my real family right now.
what a waste.

i believe I've had it.this is wasting time.
good night fa. I will not be chasing you again.
so long,and good bye. :)

i have my own family to attend to.
besides, I don't really even matter to you at all.
Just a weight on your back. :)

going out

tomorrow is going to be something.

well the past week is something already.

i have infiltrated a local varsity somewhere in malaysia.
stayed in one of the dorm there.
felt nice.heheh.

but tomorrow i am going to meet that someone.
hope that it work.

i hate how she neglects my calls and texts.
need some room?yeah right.
really felt like she have lost her feel for me
is there anything wrong?
i wonder what is my fault this time.

seriously,this feeling of almost losing her,
this feeling of not being loved anymore.it hurts.
it really hurts.i wonder how to brace the fall if she says we are to have nothing anymore.
afraid that she would finally dump me.
how scary. :)

hopefully god will help me through this.
all and all,pray for me k.anyone? :)