Let me live in my head

last night I had a dream,I'm writing this down because it was so beautiful that i don't want to forget them. :)

I was already married.to a vietnamese girl (i wonder how i found her.I mean come on, Vietnamese . such a long way from home)
we also have a baby girl..still new,about 4,5 month old.

It all begin by waking up in the morning.giving her a morning kiss and she gave me her's.Have some small sensual talk.cant remember what.
afterwards we went to an opening ceremony, my father finally have his own restaurant.He've been wanting to have a noodle restaurant of his own for so long.

later on we went for a stroll.with the baby girl in my arm,and she was walking in front of me. We found some housing areas,
suddenly she gave out an excitement shriek because she found some durian trees planted by the house owners. "wow,so many durians! look at all those durian skins."

and i said to her "what,dont be a fool.you get all excited just by looking at those duiran skins?there are not even any left on the trees."

but that was funny.just looking at her being all excited just by some durian skins.sort of cute though.

through out the dream i can really feel the feeling of love pouring out of me.seeming like an aura that is overflowing from my body.What a really nice sensation back then.A feeling that i have not felt for so long.

when i realise it, i was awake.but i still feel very reluctant to open my eyes this morning.I said to myself,I dont want to wake up.Let me live here.Let me live in this dream.

even until now i still feel that way though.Although i never knew who that viet chick anyway.. T_T

somebody love me

Late at night.way past my bed time..
really wish someone will give me a goodnight kiss.
and wish me"good night honey,you're the best.I love you always.more than you love me"
why?
because I'm a lonely guy.
hoping to have some love in the days left before i die.
:)

alone again.

ahh..what a sorrowful feeling. I am alone again
the new friend that i made at workplace is gone,he went to continue his study.so here i am,alone.doing work with the crowds but i have none to speak to.

last month i broke up with that woman. we've been engaged for about 2/3 years..but known each other for 5.
i took a week off from work.tried to be sad..thought that i could shed a few tears.but nah, I only felt a slight loss. also during the 1 week off,my internet was down.so i have all the time in the world to travel into my mind. void of any disturbance or temptations. to go online and such.
really helpful. although i still have a few distraction,thinking about the never ending jobs at work.

Despite all that,being the "emotionless guy" branded at school and college, i really do feel nothing.my face was all blank.no tears,no hate,nor smile.
I do feel what a waste,feel insecured that i might not get somebody much better than her in the future.
thinking that this is god's way of taking us apart.
because i am no longer as good as her.
she is struggling to move on her rank of deeds.her amount of rewards from Allah,
while here i am,still stuck in the same amount of deed,same amount of rewards,in fact i am going down the ranks.
because there are some that i have left..making me gaining a lot more sins everyday..that's why..

Allah is taking us apart..
"good man for good woman and bad man for bad woman."
I still hope that i am going to get someone better than her though.
remembered watching Chennai Express and wishing in my heart.
O god, i want a wife as good as here please god please..
someone who will love me more than i love her, and will make me feel eased at heart.whose beauty will make me be at peace,who's intelligent,hardworking and cute at the same time.
amin.

HAHAHA..what a big appetite for someone without emotions huh.. :D

MAN UP,MAN!

today is really a normal day like every other.
i went to work,and now i am home again.

having slept the entire evening off, i woke up feeling quite calm and eased.
sat down and take a look at my family faces.
saw my mom..my brothers..my sisters..

then it occurred to me.
if my father is dead,it is up to me to raise them. Being the eldest son in the family.

truthfully,i have spent so many time chasing love.
Boasting what a family man that i will be.. when i cant even be there for my real family right now.
what a waste.

i believe I've had it.this is wasting time.
good night fa. I will not be chasing you again.
so long,and good bye. :)

i have my own family to attend to.
besides, I don't really even matter to you at all.
Just a weight on your back. :)

going out

tomorrow is going to be something.

well the past week is something already.

i have infiltrated a local varsity somewhere in malaysia.
stayed in one of the dorm there.
felt nice.heheh.

but tomorrow i am going to meet that someone.
hope that it work.

i hate how she neglects my calls and texts.
need some room?yeah right.
really felt like she have lost her feel for me
is there anything wrong?
i wonder what is my fault this time.

seriously,this feeling of almost losing her,
this feeling of not being loved anymore.it hurts.
it really hurts.i wonder how to brace the fall if she says we are to have nothing anymore.
afraid that she would finally dump me.
how scary. :)

hopefully god will help me through this.
all and all,pray for me k.anyone? :)

looking through deadman's eye

yesterday i went through a dead person's fb.

scrolling through pictures and pictures of them.

and so i wonder.

if i were to die today.what would i leave behind.?
what would i feel in my grave?
what good does it make to the world?

pondering about life

looking back in life.
kawan aku dah achieve flight! aku,masih di sini..kat malaysia

kawan aku dah kawin! n aku,masih dekat sini mengharap datang masa sesuai untuk aku kawin pulak.

shit all this.shit my life.shit..heheh..

i am lifeless.

tengoklah tahun depan.

i am leaving all this bullshit for a better cause.

huu